Life In The Balance
I awoke beside a glacier in Squamish, expecting miracles.
It was Wizard Camp (think Hogwarts for grown-ups). There I stood, in the space between who I thought I was and who I really am, about to face some challenging truths about myself and feel the impact of another shovel-to-the forehead moment of clarity.
Here's how it went down....
So there I stood on a tightrope about 20 feet in the air, having just climbed the side of a tree to get there.
My mission - walk halfway across and grab onto a rope hanging from a lifeline. Do not look down. Do not look side to side. The rope ahead was my goal, waiting for me to grab on.
Gone were thoughts about juggling many tasks. No time for giving equal time to all the so-called important areas of my life: work, play, family, friends, time alone, time for yoga, etc. That would just make me fall 20 feet to my death.
AHA moment about the To Do List: Don't.
Juggling is bullshit. Balance is singular. Balance is about doing whatever you're doing like your life depends on it.
Because it does. Even if you don't realize it most of the time.
The more you divvy up your time, the more you whittle away your life. Sometimes life is barely a nub before you realize what you've lost.
When you are aligned, life makes sense. There is energy and enthusiasm. All the superfluous stuff falls away naturally - because it never really mattered.
I focus on what I want.
I was taught, "Think before you speak." Now my heartbeat whispered: "Don't think, don't think, don't think."
I felt a sense of relief in allowing my heart to inform me.
My thoughts interrupted: "I'm gonna die up here. Or worse, pee myself." My legs were shaking. I thought about turning back. But in my heart, there was only going forward.
Down below my band of friends were shouting encouragement to me. One step at a time, look just at that rope.
Balance is a gut feeling. Trying to talk yourself into something by listing the reasons why/why not - that's your head talking. Nothing of value in that empty debate.
Put the head on hold. Go to the gut for guidance.
You have to feel for you alignment, the way an inchworm revolves in space upon reaching the end of a leaf, feeling for the next surface. It feels like a deep breath, a sigh of relief, the green light to GO!
Halfway through, I lost it.
Down below me someone shouted: "Rhonda: I focus on what I want. Say it."
"I focus on what I want. I focus on what I want. I focus on what I want." I was gasping; I felt the fear but the focus took over.
AHA Moment: Focus is bigger than fear. I can feel fear, and focus anyway.
Hot yoga taught me that, too.
After a day of small, extraneous, miscellaneous tasks that don't create the big life I say I really want but don't achieve, hot yoga informs me to stop, breathe, listen. Inhale. Stuff will come up. Exhale. Let it. And focus in the mirror anyway. This moment is where I want to be.
AHA moment: behind the focus is a wisdom about what's really important.
Fear lives in the mind. It is not real. Fear is a "What if" future nightmare that does not exist. In the present, there is only me and the choice to go with the flow, or stand in the way.
I grabbed onto the rope. I had made it...
...and a moment later, I was back. My mind had reared up in protest. "Of course you made it! Hundreds and thousands of people before you have done this exercise and if even one had plummeted to her death, this company would not be in business doing it here today. It's no big deal, this great accomplishment...."
But my heart knew differently. I made it beyond fear. And then...
"Let go of the rope and fall backwards; let the team bring you down from the tightrope."
Are up kidding?
Next up: Lesson #2: Letting go.
Rhonda Uretzky, E-RYT
Reader Comments (8)
Rhonda, welcome back! And thank you for this entry. I guess your body doesn't lie, right? Either you are balanced or not. And either you are ok with that or not! I love how you are so open to looking afresh at everything. I am looking forward to seeing you soon !
Yes Ellen I agree; the body never lies! This is why physical practices that challenge the body like hot yoga can be so life changing, as surprise after surprise keeps coming up even while the poses themselves stay the same. Looking forward to sharing the hot yoga journey in class with you soon
I like your point about being selfish. We're taught from a young age not to be selfish...and this is a challenge when we grow up! Selfish shouldn't be a dirty word. It should be the word that we use to describe how we relate to ourselves, how we process what we're thinking and what we're feeling. Selfish is about being the best version on yourself by allowing yourself those split seconds to check in and hear your feelings.
Love your new definition of "selfish", Kristina. The Buddha said you cannot take anyone to enlightenment until you get there yourself first. Heck even in an airplane they tell you to put your oxygen mask on first before you help others, even your kids! It makes sense: you cannot be of any value to anyone else unless you have taken care of yourself first. When you consider that all anyone really wants from you is inspiration, then it makes perfect sense to make yourself happy and inspired first so you can spread the joy to others. Miserable, overwhelmed, tired, angry people are of no use even to those they love most; others will avoid you as they should - to take care of themselves! Better to affect others with your joy than to infect them with your misery.
Hi Rhonda,
first I would like to say thank you, That we met on the Wizard Camp.
You`ve inspired me to look, where I can do hot yoga in Munich. I like to climb into the mauntains. However, my body longs to be streched after climbing.
Thank you for your post. This is very valuable for me. I´ve never done Yoga before.
I will definitely set the " Focus on what I want, not on what I don´t want" in the the Yoga class. Not only in the Yoga class...smile.
Also the Decleration "Correct and continue" is very helpful for me.
See you soon Nasha
Hi Nasha - so have you found your focus in hot yoga yet?
Rhonda I laughed out loud when I read this post! Of course we can all relate to many of the feelings that you went through while up on the rope, and I feel these things all the time, too. You hit the mark with me when you said that stuff comes up, let them go, EXHALE, don't let the little things get in the way of your goal. Mostly, I appreciated your focus on this moment: this moment is where I want to be, too.
Thanks Marguerite - I can only imagine from where you are that there are many things that require your singular focus and a lot of deep breaths. I will be following this post with the big Letting Go lesson I got at Wizard Camp...stay tuned.